The Truth about Keeping the Peace - Part 1

 Most people fear initiating difficult conversations with other people. It probably ranks right up there with the fear of public speaking. Many of us expend a lot of energy trying to water down, postpone or completely avoid tough conversations. We tell ourselves that we are keeping the peace and sparing people from pain. What we fail to realize is that relationships thrive only when they are imbued with healthy and respectful “truth-telling.”

It takes considerable judgment, maturity and skill to know when we need to speak up and how to do it in a way that others can hear. We tend to get stuck because our culture has drilled into us two relationship-oriented axioms that seem impossible to reconcile:

Axiom 1: Always tell the truth.

Axiom 2: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

These axioms present us with a significant dilemma. If I have your best interests in mind, and tell you something that I believe is important for you to hear, then I am speaking truth to you. However, depending on what I share with you, the manner in which I share it, and how you receive it, you may conclude that I have violated the second axiom (i.e., I don’t have anything nice to say).

It might be easier if we just rewrote the axioms as two clear “don’ts”:

Axiom 1 (Revised): Don’t lie.

Axiom 2 (Revised): Don’t use words to hurt people.

The world would certainly be a better place if none of us were deceitful or vicious with our words. But, guarding our words is not the same as “truth-telling.” If I hold my tongue, I will not be guilty of lying to you. However, if I suppress telling you some truth that you really need to hear, it may actually hurt you worse than a lie.   

Truth-telling is a relational art that takes time to master. We need to start by telling the truth to ourselves. There are three “peace keeping” tendencies that, when present, suggest that we may need to ramp up our truth-telling:

1. Our relationships with our closest co-workers, friends, and family members tend to be superficial or narrow. This tendency may indicate that we are avoiding talking about issues that are potentially delicate, sensitive or challenging. This is fine as long as we are comfortable with superficiality in the relationships that mean the most to us. If we want more, we may need to engage in more truth-telling.
2. We tend to equate all frank talk with being rude or impolite. This tendency may suggest that we have a mindset that makes it difficult for us to be direct and straightforward with others because we view it as improper or unmannerly. This is often a product of cultural norms and how we have been raised. The problem is that we fail to see that it is possible to be both direct and respectful at the same time.   
3. We tend to tolerate behaviors and/or circumstances that are not healthy for us or others. This tendency is an indicator that we have taken the path of least resistance, deciding to accept the pain associated with silence rather than face the fear of speaking up. This is a trade-off – one with potentially disastrous results over the long run.  

Our relationships will be characterized by superficiality and intractable patterns of behavior whenever we allow ourselves to internalize an unrealistic and unhealthy sense of “keeping the peace.” We desperately need to reorient our thinking if we want to change the status quo. There are times when we need to step up and step out by engaging in respectful and purposeful truth-telling. The real truth is that silence and tolerance are inappropriate responses when important relationships and issues are at stake.  

 We’ll continue our discussion on this subject in Part 2 of our series The Truth about Keeping the Peace.