The Truth about Keeping the Peace - Part 2

In Part 1 of this series we discussed the tendency that most of us have to avoid speaking truth to people in our one-to-one relationships. We fear being perceived as impolite or confrontational. As a result, we may withhold feedback or information from another person, even when what we have to say is properly motivated, objective and important. In effect, our fear outweighs our desire to act in the best interests of ourselves and others.

Everyone seems to understand this fear, including companies vying for our business. Allstate Insurance recently tried to capitalize on our fear by offering a special service in the event we decide to switch our insurance coverage. They recognize that breaking up is hard to do and will contact our current insurance agent with the bad news, sparing us the pain. Forget about the fact that your current company may have been charging you exorbitant rates and only knows you by your policy number.

Our fear of giving feedback and sharing information with others should give us pause and help us think but it should not stop us in our tracks. Giving in to fear in clear truth-telling moments usually guarantees suboptimal outcomes. We make a bad trade, exchanging the opportunity for authenticity and honesty for pseudo peace.

Opportunities for personal and relational growth are stunted when we try to “sanitize” what we share with one another. This sanitation process consists of filtering, generalizing or whitewashing our feedback and information. We when sanitize, we try to play it safe by stripping the specificity and meaning out of what we have to say. We avoid risk but we end up communicating little or nothing of significance. The status quo is maintained. No one is challenged. No one grows.

Truth be told, we all need to give and to receive honest feedback from time to time about our actions and behavior. We need to be aware of what people see, hear and perceive from their interactions with us. We also need to cultivate relationships that involve the open exchange of timely, relevant and credible information.

Feedback from others serves as a mirror. It is a gift. It helps us become aware of our blind spots – the things that are not easy for us to see and acknowledge. Good information is like a GPS. It helps us make decisions and navigate our way through the intricacies of life. Regular feedback and information provided by others enables us to gain a well rounded and more accurate view of reality. Seeing reality is essential to the success of individuals, teams and organizations. When truth-telling is stifled, reality is distorted; when it is present, reality is illuminated.

Of course, our truth-telling does need to be regulated. It is not only possible, but essential that respect, tact and decorum exist on the same plain as truth-telling. It is not our right or duty to dump our feedback on people or provide them with information that is not helpful or actionable. When we engage in truth-telling, we need to carefully consider the context and purpose. In other words, the time and situation need to be right, and, our motives need to be honorable. Our truth-telling my cause someone pain, but our intent should be to heighten their awareness and support their growth. With these cautions in mind, it is important to understand that regulating our feedback and information sharing is different from sanitizing it.

Truth-telling contains color, texture and depth. It has substance. It provides a sound basis for honest reflection and purposeful action. There is a unique beauty and purity to it when done properly. These are the reasons it is so rare and so valuable. Those of us who want to promote growth in ourselves and others need to drop the BS and superficiality that pervades so much of our society. We need to fear pseudo peace more than we fear speaking and receiving the truth.