A Not So Simple Question

What can I improve about myself to become a more successful person? This is a question that a friend and former teammate asked me via email this week. My friend, we’ll call her Megan, is turning 40 in a few days and this milestone is prompting her to do some careful reflection. In her email, Megan expressed that she wants to make good use of her next 40 years and needs to set some concrete goals to ensure this happens.

Megan’s email was both unexpected and unusual. Some emails can be ignored because they are unimportant or irrelevant. Others don’t require a response because they are merely informational in nature. Then there are those emails that simply don’t justify or warrant a response, even if they call for one. None of these applied in this particular case.

In the text of her email message, Megan said that she respects me and that my opinion matters to her. I thought myself, “Oh dang – she played the ‘respect’ card very deftly. I’m a sucker for that. I really need to respond to her question, and do so very thoughtfully.” Normally, I bristle a little when someone pops something into my inbox that I do not expect and that requires action that is both time-driven and time intensive. I did not bristle at receiving Megan’s request; in fact, I felt quite honored. However, I did think about the time considerations. If I waited too long to respond, the significance of the moment would be lost. You only turn 40 once, thank God. If I responded without taking adequate time to think about what to say, then I may not provide my friend the helpful feedback she needs. I was trapped. I concluded that this item would need to be added to my list of “urgent and important” to-do items.

In writing back to Megan, I ended up doing something that I tend to do when I am coaching an individual who asks me for advice about a particular decision or course of action. I responded with a question/challenge of my own. This tactic is not used to deflect or avoid a response, but rather to elicit more thought from the person being coached. Dispensing advice is easy. Facilitating critical thinking in someone else is not. Coaches are most effective when they help their clients discover and activate their internal strengths and find their own answers.

I first told Megan that I appreciated her posing the question of how she can be more successful and that it spoke to her boldness, strength, genuineness, generosity and heart. Not many people have the courage or ego strength to ask for honest feedback. I then challenged her by asserting that definitions of success vary greatly and that the only definition that mattered was hers. In other words, responding to her original question – What can I improve about myself to become a more successful person? – would only cause me to apply my own idea of success as a measure for her life. I am not qualified to do that nor should I be allowed. What I can do is speak honest words of affirmation to my friend, which I did, and then provide her with specific feedback about the behaviors and actions that she might consider stopping, starting or continuing. I can only do the latter, however, only after Megan articulates where she is aiming in terms of her values, goals and dreams.

I am waiting to hear back from Megan at this point. She will likely respond somewhere between two extremes; either she will avoid sending me any future requests for feedback, and possibly remove me from her Christmas card list, or she will contact me with an amended request and invite me to dialogue with her about her future. Knowing my friend as I do, I have no question that I’ll be hearing back from her with a thoughtful response to my challenge. That will provide an opportune time for me, in turn, to seek some direct feedback from Megan about how I can continue to be a valued friend to her.