Your Inner Circle

You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another.

- The Message

 

Talk to any champion athlete and they will tell you that they owe much of their success to a select group of people who have coached, challenged and encouraged them along the way. In fact, speak with any person with an ounce of humility who has excelled in his/her field and they will likely say the same thing. None of us reach our goals or achieve our potential without the help of others. Regardless of how talented, capable and independent we may be, we will never be fully self-sufficient. This is actually a very good thing because it keeps us mindful of the need to build and maintain strong relationships throughout our lives.

Those of us who aspire to be successful leaders need to surround ourselves with people who have both the interest and ability to help us be our best. I am not referring here to our work teams, but rather to an inner circle of personal advisors, mentors and accountability partners with whom we can share our most intimate aspirations, hopes, dreams, vulnerabilities and fears. People who fit this niche are exceptional. They are exceptional because there will only be a handful of them throughout our lives. Yet, while they are few in number, their influence and impact on our personal and professional development will be enormous. Keith Ferrazzi, author of Who’s got your Back, refers to our inner circle as “lifeline relationships.” Ferrazzi explains that “The simplest, most complete definition of a lifeline relationship is someone who will never let you fail." Given this definition, it is easy to see why our inner circle will be comprised of exceptional people, and may not even include some of our closest friends or family members. This does not imply that these friendships and family relationships are superficial or unimportant, but rather that only a handful of people have the capabilities to fill the role of advisors, mentors, and accountability partners.

I have been fortunate to have some people like this in my life. Their names are Benji, Tom, Nancy, Howard, Ryan, Rebecca, Denis, and Steve. As I reflect on what makes these people exceptional, five factors come to mind. Each factor represents a combination of character qualities, perspectives and competencies that are clustered and bonded together in a unique way.

• Generosity. People with this quality graciously share their time, resources and knowledge with us. They possess an abundance mentality, which frees them from feeling that they need to protect or hoard their time or talents. They orient themselves as givers as opposed to takers.
• Truth-telling. People with this quality give us honest and direct feedback, but always with our best interests in mind. They do not blame or judge us; however, they are bold in holding up a mirror so we can better see ourselves accurately, especially at times when we are at our best or at our worst. This provides reinforcement for our strengths and the opportunity to confront our failings.
• Humility. People with this quality have an accurate and balanced view of themselves that includes their strengths, weaknesses, biases, flaws, inconsistencies and potential for greatness. This awareness keeps them grounded and centered, making them a great source of objective and supportive counsel. Humble people are also willing to be open and vulnerable because they are not trying to protect their self-image. This makes them very accepting and approachable.
• Tough love. People with this quality care enough for us that they will hold us accountable for our commitments and actions, even when it threatens our relationship with them. They raise the stakes for us in order to get our attention and drive us to action.
• Wisdom. People with this quality have a keen, time-tested perspective about people, work and the world. They are reflective thinkers and life-long leaders. They are incisive people who can see beyond facades and cut through minutia, noise and BS.

If you are thinking that there is no one in your life who measures up to these high standards, you are absolutely right. As exceptional as the people are in my inner circle, all of them fall short. In fact, they would be the first to acknowledge this fact. However, on balance, I see splashes of evidence of the five factors in each of these people. I also see them purposefully striving to develop the qualities of generosity, truth-telling, humility, tough love and wisdom in their lives. And, personally, I know that each of these people has my back.

Please do not be misled by my use of the term “inner circle.” I would have used the term “circle of trust” had it not been co-opted by the Robert Deniro in the Meet the Parents/Fockers movies. Our inner circle, while being highly selective, is not intended to become an exclusive club that is accorded special status. The purpose or effect should never be to shut out other people with whom we share a special relationship. Our inner circle, board of advisors, lifeline relationships, or whatever name you give it is comprised of people who play guiding roles in our lives. Their function and gifts are what makes them unique. They possess the qualities that will help us maximize our growth, get back up when we fall down, and align our lives with our passions, goals and values.

It is inevitable that over time some people in our inner circle may drop away and others may be added. This is to be expected with changes in jobs, geography, needs, priorities and other life circumstances. It is actually very natural and healthy for there to be some transition within our inner circle; transition can bring renewal and usher in fresh perspective. For example, there will be times when our inner circle will need to include people who not only embody the five factors we discussed above, but also possess knowledge that is directly related to our work. Since most of us will remain in the work world for at least half our lifetimes, it makes perfect sense to have experts available to us for guidance and direction. There may also be times when we need the services of a professional coach to work through periods of impasse or transition. While not necessarily being part of our inner circle, a qualified professional coach is someone who performs his/her work in concert with the five factors and who can be an invaluable resource.

One final thought before closing. There is generally a high degree of mutuality and reciprocity within our inner circles. What I mean is that, while those in our inner circle will provide us with good counsel and trustworthy support, we will often do the same for them. We should never look at these relationships as a one way street, but rather be prepared to give our very best to help others live their very best. This is the iron sharpens iron concept. Soft, brittle or toxic relationships will never make us sharp and strong. Only relationships characterized by mutual accountability will do that. With all of the challenges we face at work, at home and in the world in general, we need to make sure that we all have each other’s backs.

Note: In addition to Keith Ferrazzi’s work, there is a lot of good information out there about establishing mentoring relationships, accountability partnerships and boards of advisors. You will have to do some sifting but it is well worth your effort.