Getting Unstuck

We all get stuck sometimes.

Though disconcerting, getting stuck is not uncommon. We will all reach points of impasse with regard to our roles, goals and relationships. The problem is not getting stuck; it is staying stuck. Getting stuck is a natural consequence of growing, learning and bumping up against things that we do not completely control. Staying stuck, however; is a personal choice.

The language of “stuckness” can be direct but more often than not it is superficial, ambiguous or coded.

• “I feel stuck in my job.”
• “I just feel like I can’t get any traction in my life. I’m spinning but going nowhere.”
•  “My motivation is waning and I’m not sure why. It is beginning to impact my work and my relationships.”

It sometimes takes a skilled coach to draw the person out so that the core issues can be surfaced and objectified. Feelings and perceptions that remain veiled in generalities will keep us from making progress. Naming and acknowledging reality is the prerequisite for getting unstuck.

I have learned to ask my clients two simple but very telling questions. The first question is: “What strategies have you used to try and get unstuck?” The responses from clients vary but people generally divide into one of two camps. There are those who are hoping that things will get better on their own and those more determined souls who try some combination of working longer, harder or smarter.

The next question I ask is: “So [Scarlett], how are those particular strategies working out for you?” In the context of the coaching session, this question is a pivotal one. It is intended to be pointed, provocative and politely patronizing. This is because the coach already knows the answer, and, so does the client. Calling this question removes the façade and brings reality to the forefront. The reality is that people who feel stuck are stuck in set patterns of wishful thinking and behavior. Periods of impasse cannot be addressed until a client acknowledges what is not working and commits to creatively and courageously explore new and unfamiliar approaches.

It is important to understand that both hope and determination are vital for getting unstuck, but they do not work well in isolation. This is where a competent coach can be an invaluable resource. People who stay stuck have not yet learned how to fully activate and leverage the facilities of hope and determination. Hope activates our heart and spirit, providing us with the spark we need to get moving and the endurance required to stay the course. It also keeps us open to new possibilities and opportunities for learning. Determination activates our will and enables us to tap our internal passion, talents and gifts, especially those related to personal creativity and growth. When used in tandem, hope and determination replenish and refresh each other.  

The next time you feel stuck, ask yourself these questions:

• “What strategies have I used to try and get unstuck?”
• “How are these particular strategies working for me?”

If the answers you get back are not satisfactory, ask yourself one more question: “Am I willing to test my mental models, assumptions and approaches and try something new? If yes, then follow through on that commitment. Move from the point of good intentions to purposeful action. Consider engaging a professional coach to help you, your team or your organization define where you are stuck and learn how to tap your internal resources.

We all need to continuously refine, sharpen and leverage our strategies for clarifying our roles, achieving our goals and revitalizing our relationships. The time to get unstuck is now.

Authors Note: For those interested in a self-help approach and a more psychological perspective on the subject of impasse, you may want to read Getting Unstuck: How Dead Ends Become New Paths by Timothy Butler. It is a well written and easy to read book that includes some helpful exercises.